Listen to this tune: it's about a rich man
Licking a silver spoon, who lived in a mansion
And rented a room to this young scholar kid
Who'd been to the two most respected colleges
For logic and philosophy; now he got scholarships
But he still lived in poverty due to the preposterous
Cost of living; without a dollar he lived as an Astrologist
And followed his dreams; his name was Nicholas
And when it came to women his game was limitless
The ladies he visited became libidinous
When he played his instruments; he'd just lick his lips
And sing a melody as sweet as licorice
His virility eclipsed the man he was living with
A rich, elderly fella whose name was John;
Now his flame was gone, and still he'd married a young filly
Who was really beyond his ability to satisfy
‘Cause in the sack this guy was on disability
He was prone to senility, pride and jealousy;
He slept with open eyes, terrified of infidelity
His wife brought humility to life; in the village she
Liked to shop, wearing her husband's ring
With her cheeks painted up a slutty pink
Her name was Alison, and she had a naughty stink;
Her mouth was said to be as sweet as bubbly drink
And if you saw her on the street, you'd probably think
She was a hottie, and had the body of a mink
You'd probably think a lot of things, and start groveling
Especially if she dropped a wink, heart-softening
With flirting glances that often fling a person's senses
Off the brink, and begin work against us
Now Nicholas waited for the right circumstances
And eventually he managed to catch her defenseless
And he reached beneath her skirt with perverted intentions
It was beneath her to stand such utter disrespect
And she refused this would-be lover's kiss with threats
That she would scream bloody murder, and risk his neck
Though to him it seemed like just a twisted test
And Nicholas persisted until her lips were set
And dripping wet, as lips are quick to get
If caressed into bliss by gifted breath
And Nicholas pressed her with his best
Tricks, until at last she just said yes
To the gist of his request for elicit sex
Except she explicitly told him this, direct
She said:
"My husband is jealous, as well as overzealous;
He's a menace when it comes to me lookin' at other fellas;
You can tell his love is hellish, so while this develops
We need to keep it secret, so that he doesn't kill us!"
Nicholas wasn't filled with fear; he was cool
He was like, "You think I've spent all these years at school
Without preparing the tools to make married men fools?
I'm aware of the rules; just watch the master at work!"
And with these brash words, he patted her curves
Grabbed at her, kissed her, and had his last flirt
Before she gathered her skirts and went to mass at her church
Now this church had a clerk whose name was Absalon
A romantic, emasculate man who had this long
Hair that was blond and brushed so that it shone
His back was not strong, but what he lacked in brawn
He made up with his passion when he played and practiced on
His fiddle, dancing drunk at taverns 'til his cash was gone
Now it happened that Absalon's fancy chanced upon
Alison, and he began to romance and fawn
And prance on her lawn
Panting fondly, chanting pansy songs
But her husband wasn't jealous; he would laugh, catching on
And ask, "What's wrong, honey, can't you hear Absalon
Prattling on?" And she would stretch and yawn:
"He won't take no for an answer, John."
So Absalon kept his pants on; his hopes were slim;
He was a joke to them, and Alison hardly noticed him
‘Cause her devotion went instead to Nicholas
Whose wits were spent in a wicked attempt
To trick her husband into giving them
A chance to get busy in original sin
Now, this is what Nicholas did to begin:
He went to his bedroom on the top floor
And he stayed there with a locked door
For three days, inquisitive knocks ignored
And he gazed at the stars, lost and absorbed
And he played with his astrology charts
And since John had no knowledge of these arts
When he broke in, he saw what he thought
Was a man possessed, caught in a sleepwalk
And never suspected it was all a cheap fraud
He said:
"Nicholas, what's wrong, have you lost your mind?
You've been watching the skies for an awful long time
Clouding your eyes with astrological signs
This is not wise!"
Nicholas thought of a lie that would leave John blind
He dropped to his knees and said, "You will not believe
What I've seen with my astrology! In all honesty
It's a prophecy, a vision from God!
Man's hypocrisy is really pissin' Him off
And makin’ a mockery of all the wisdom and love
He's offering. John, this isn't a bluff!
He's not pleased, and now it's His decision to flood
The earth with rough seas, again, and drown the wicked in blood
“But you and your wife, plus me, will be lifted above
The slaughter. Us three can just drift in a tub
Until the waters recede and He's given it up
But we've gotta prepare, and I solemnly swear
That God declared we’re supposed to hang this tub up in the air
At the top of the house, and when the flood gets there
We can cut the ropes and float out, with nothin' to fear!”
Now this foolish man just threw his hands up in despair
Flustered and scared, and cried:
"It just isn't fair!"
But he had to put his trust in God's justice and care;
He was thankful, at least, that his instructions were clear
He spent the day in his workshop, with dust in his hair
Building this tub; first he constructed it there
Then he dragged it to his house, and he lugged it upstairs
And suspended it so that it hung up in the air
And could be cut free if the “flood” should appear
Once he'd gotten prepared, John offered a prayer
To comfort his spirit, and fell asleep in the tub
Exhausted, and there we'll leave him, above
Where Nicholas and Alison conduct their secret love
Blushing, the two of them rushed to the very place
John was usually tucked, and there they laid
And crudely made lust, and while the pair played
In the night's dark shade, Absalon came
Beneath the window pane, calling Alison's name
With the flame of love alive in his brain
Which he tried to explain by describing his pain
He sighed, "The way you act is a crying shame!
Forsaken and sad, I strive in vain
Wasting my breath on sacred pacts
Waiting patiently for you to pay them back!"
Alison sat up, raging mad
And laughed in his face with disdainful wrath:
"Take that ‘sacred pact’ heartbreak crap
Away from this place, you disgraceful rat!"
"But wait," she said, "I take it back;
You can have a kiss, if you wish, but make it fast!"
The night was slate-black as she raised the glass
And displayed her backside and waited, relaxed
As Absalon reached out his lips and gave it his best
And proudly kissed the middle of her naked ass
But something was weird: it tasted bad
And had a beard of long, rough hairs
Absalon's fears were given a nudge
When Alison giggled and slammed the window shut
He didn't blow up, but he did hold a grudge
When he realized the ass-kiss was true
Absalon knew what he just had to do
He ran quickly to this blacksmith he knew
And asked if he'd do a favour, as a friend's requirement
Inquiring if he could borrow the man's branding iron
Which happened to be standing in the fire he was fanning
Higher to get it heated. When he had what he needed
Absalon proceeded back to the scene at
The mansion, where he'd been mistreated
And in his sweetest voice he pleaded:
"Oh, ‘Lover Lips,’ it would be utter bliss
If you could see fit to give me another kiss!"
Above, Nicholas had gotten up to piss
And he muttered in a muffled whisper under his breath:
"What a glutton for punishment this sucker is!"
So he slid his butt out the window up to his hips
Sensing nothing amiss, with his grip to hold him steady
But Absalon couldn't guess where to strike, so instead he
Cried, "Say something, Miss!" and Nicholas broke wind heavy
The sound thunderous, like a motor revving
For Absalon there was no forgetting; he knew this joke already
But this time he had his red-hot poker ready
And he reached overhead and scalded his ass badly
With the hole in his flesh expanding, Nicholas ran
Through the house, cauterized, screaming, "Water! Water!"
Cries of "water" started to rise up and surprised
John, who thought his cries were because he saw the water rise
When the flood arrived. Suddenly, he shot upright
And before he'd even got his eyes opened well
John reached out with his pocketknife, cut the rope, and fell
From up on high, without a hope in hell
And broke his elbow when he smoked the windowsill
But the greatest shame of all was when the neighbours came
To investigate the screams, ‘cause the others made it seem
Like John was plain insane, raving about Noah
Roped up in a boat, waiting for the flood to show up
They all had a good laugh at these three sad saps:
John with his fractured arm, flat on his back
And Absalon's kiss, smack dab in the crack
And Nicholas with the flesh of his ass scabbed black
And Alison sat back, relaxed, and laughed
The only one left with her rep intact
And that's the end of that, as a matter of fact!
