Hey, guys
So cool
Thank you guys so much for coming, this is awesome
This is so great
How many of you guys know me from my show, "Community"?
(cheers and applause)
Great
Just want to let you guys know
This is gonna be nothing like that
This is gonna be a lot grosser
I feel bad--
I feel bad for a lot of people who come to the show
Like, people bring their kids and stuff like that
And they'll be like, "Oh, oe's gonna do Troy and Abed!"
And I'm just like, "Dicks, dicks, dicks, dick, dicks, dicks!"
And they're-- "Let's go!"
I mean, cause I did--
I can be gross sometimes and I know it's bad
I mean, cause I did a half-hour special for Comedy Central
And the way I got that half-hour special
Was I did an hour in New York
I did an hour on my own and Comedy Central was there
And they were like, "We really liked your hour."
I was like, "Oh, thank you man, that was really great."
They were like, "We would love to give you a half-hour."
I was like, "Great, would love to do a half-hour."
They're like, "Great, but don't do any of the shit you did in that hour
It was disgusting, don't do it."
Did you guys hear about that Spider-Man thing that happened with me?
(cheers and applause)
Okay, for those of you who have a life
Basically that happened was there was--
They were talking about on this geek blog
About making Spider-Man, you know
They're redoing it
So they said that maybe this new Spider-Man
Since they're making it so quickly after making these other Spider-Mans
Maybe they should make it real different
You know, make it kind of like, dark and edgy like "The Dark Knight,"
And put it in modern-day times and stuff, and maybe--
You know, Spider-Man Maybe doesn't have to be white
Maybe he can be black or Hispanic or something like that
And then somebody put a big picture of me in the comments
And was like, "Donald Glover can play Spider-Man
He's nerdy!"
And I was like, okay
And somebody sent that to me so I was like
"Oh, yeah, I'll put that up."
"Oh Donald for Spider-Man, let's do this."
You know, kind of a joke, but also, like
Who doesn't want to be Spider-Man-- That'd be cool
And that's when the world went crazy
And half the world was like, "Donald for Spider-Man!
We're only gonna watch the nest Spider-Man
If Donald Glover's playing Peter Parker!"
And the other half was like, "He's black, kill him!"
Like, it was so fast
It was so fast
It was insane, like you were either very hot or cold on the subject and I didn't--
I didn't say anything, I didn't do anything during that whole time
I just laid low, but I did read one comment that was like
"Oh, we're gonna make Spider-Man black now?
We're just gonna make Spider-Man black now?
That's what we're gonna do, we're just gonna make Spider-Man black?
That's what we're gonna do, we're gonna make Spider-Man black now?
Gonna make Spider-Man black?
Well, why don't we just have Michael Cera play Shaft?"
And I didn't respond to any of the stuff I saw online
Except for that one
I wrote back, "Uh, dot, dot, dot, yes!"
That would be fucking amazing
If fucking Michael Cera played Shaft
I'd watch that movie every day-- I'd go broke
I'd go broke, just like, yes, one more for "Shaft," please
Like, I'd be there every day
I mean, like, wouldn't that be awesome
To be watching the movie
Just be like, "Hey, Shaft, what's going on, baby?"
"Oh, nothing
Let's find some hoes."
Like, that'd be so awesome!
I'd watch that all the time
The thing that bothered me the most about that
The thing that really got under my skin
Was that people kept bringing up Shaft
Like I care about Shaft
Like I must care-- He's black, he must love Shaft
Like I give a fuck about Shaft
Like, I'm like, oh no don't take our Shaft!
Like, I don't care, I don't care about Shaft
Like, it's just like--
Like Shaft was the Black Spider-Man or something like that
It's just like, oh, yeah, white people
You guys get this dude who swings from building to building
And saves people
And black people, you get this dude who slaps women sometimes
Enjoy!
Like, what?
No, that's not okay
He's not even a superhero
He's just a black guy
He's just a black dude
You couldn't-- He's not a superhero
You couldn't have no Shaft ride at Universal Studios
You couldn't have, like--
Yeah, what we do it, we put you in the car
And then we set up like five women mannequins
And then you hold your hand out and you just slap 'em all
Just slap 'em all
$5, please
That's ridiculous
That really bothered me
Like, no one--
Like, Shaft--
I don't give a fuck about Shaft
I don't care about Shaft
The fact that they kept assuming that--
Like I woke up every morning
Like, in my Shaft pajamas, jumped out of bed
Ran down the stairs drank a cup of Shaft juice
Turned on the Shaft television--
I just realized "Shaft juice" sounds like semen
Don't wanna drink that
That'd be gross
