(Carlin as announcer:) Hello, America! It's time to play "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag!"
Ladies and gentlemen.. This man is a rancher, he works for an oil company and he lives in Texas. Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
This man is a lawyer. He lives on Long Island and he's a US Congressman. Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
This man is a TV newscaster, he lives in the Midwest and he's a born again Christian. Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
We'll find out today as we play "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag!"
Well, hello everyone, I'm Bob Barlow and it's time for another session of "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag". You've just met our three subjects for today, now let's meet our players. Two contestants who will try to determine from the clues we give them, whether our three subjects are.. assholes, jackoffs or scumbags!
First of all, our champion. From Short Hairs, New Jersey, she's a mother of two and her hobby is sitting on the toilet until her legs fall asleep! Here is Ethel Schwantz!
Bob: How are you today, Ethel?
Ethel: Not so good, Bob. I think I'm going to start my period
Bob: Well, that sounds interesting. What does your husband do?
Ethel: My husband is dead, Bob. He was crushed in a folding couch accident
Bob: You have any little Schwantzes around the house?
Ethel: Yes, I have been blessed with two wonderful sons. My oldest boy, Elliot, is involved in charity work. Every weekend, he takes a hundred senior citizens out to the country and leaves them there. And my youngest son, Jules, is currently attempting to be the first man to cross the Atlantic in a gas filled douchebag
Bob: Well, that sounds very interesting, Ethel. Let's meet your opponent. Your challenger is from Big Thighs, New York. A man whose job is recovering stolen religious articles. His hobby is calling up the Red Cross and telling them to go fuck themselves. Meet Eddie Donneker!
Eddie: Hi, Bob
Bob: Hi, Eddie. Is your wife here today?
Eddie: No, bob. She couldn't be here. She's taking the SWAT team exam in Newark
Bob: Well, she sounds like quite an independent lady
Eddie: That's right, Bob. She once killed a man during a sports argument
Bob: Do you believe in women's lib?
Eddie: Bob, she can do whatever the fuck she pleases
Bob: Okay, tell us, do you have any children?
Eddie: Yes, one son, D'Artagnan, is quite a successful Mr. Potato Head salesman. Unfortunately, my other son, Winslow, a designer of custom belt loops, was sucked up into a vent this morning
Bob: Well, that really sounds interesting, Eddie. They sound like quite a family. Okay, it's time to play "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag" so, lets take a look at our prizes
First of all, from Larson Luggage, a complete set of portable suitcases. Yes, now you can 'take it with you'. Specially designed Larson Luggage has built-in handles! Making it completely portable. "Larson. New ideas in luggage!" And our winner will need that luggage because he or she is going on an all expense paid vacation to Dover, Delaware!
"Dover, Delaware. The city that means well." You'll spend three days in Dover at the fabulous Fireproof Hotel. And you'll travel to Dover in... this brand new wheelchair! Yes, it's the Wilson Speedmerchant 5000! The only wheelchair with a rollbar!
All right, players, let's meet our first candidate as Asshole, Jackoff or Scumbag! Panel, this is Wayne Critter. He's a rancher and an oil man from Texas. He smokes ground beef in his pipe and his hobby is getting in his pickup on Saturday night and running over non-whites. Ethel, you're our champion. Is Wayne Critter an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
Ethel: Okay, Bob. It's definitely between asshole and scumbag. Wayne, what organizations do you belong to?
Wayne: I belong to the Junior Chamber of Commerce, the Masons and the American Legion
Ethel: Okay, Bob. Based on that answer, I'm going with "asshole"
Bob: Okay, that's one vote for "asshole" and now, Eddie Donneker, it's your turn. What is Wayne? Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
Eddie: I can settle this real easily, Bob. Wayne, what are your favorite teams in sports?
Wayne: Well, I like the Dodgers in baseball and the Cowboys in football
Eddie: Okay, I agree with Ethel, he does sound like an asshole. But that answer leads me to only one conclusion. This guy is a jackoff. A real jackoff!
Bob: All right, we have one vote for jackoff and one vote for asshole; now let's find out what he really is from one person in the position to know, his wife. Let's bring her out here, Mrs. Ola Mae Critter!
How are you, Mrs. Critter?
Mrs. Critter: I'm fine, Bob
Bob: Got any little Critters running around?
Mrs. Critter: You mean crabs?
Bob: ..No, I mean children
Mrs. Critter: All our children are grown, Bob, and they all have thankless dead-end jobs with corporations
Bob: Well, that sounds interesting, but let's get to the main subject, your husband. As you know, our contestants have voted one vote for "jackoff" and one vote for "asshole". This is the big moment, Ola Mae. We want you to tell us what your husband is. Is he an asshole, a jackoff or a scumbag?
Mrs. Critter: Well, Bob, when I first met him, he was a real jackoff. He did all kinds of crazy things. Like he'd drink a lotta beer and then piss in your hat! A real jackoff! Then after we got married, I noticed he started turnin' into an asshole. After several years, he'd become a complete asshole! Then he started spendin' more and more time with politicians and businessmen, Bob, and they turned him into what he is today. A complete and total scumbag!
Bob: A scumbag! He's a scumbag! That means our first round is a draw. No score yet. We'll be back in a moment or two to break this tie on round two of "Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag!"
