On-screen, the NEWSWOMAN and NEWSMAN are finishing a news report.
Newswoman:
Looks like we're finding out what a true hero is.
Newsman:
The mayor himself will be on-hand to dedicate the new homeless shelter and unveil the statue of Captain Hammer.
Newswoman:
It's a good day to be homeless.
Newsman:
Ha ha ha! It certainly is.
Dr. Horrible is working in his lab on a Death Ray, and Penny and Captain Hammer are in the homeless shelter.
Moving Guy:
So they say Captain Hammer's become a crusader
Political, he's cleaning up the streets
Other Moving Guy:
About time
Groupie #1:
So they say it's real love
Groupies:
So romantic
Groupie #2:
He signed this
Penny:
So they say we'll have blankets and beds
We can open by Monday, thanks to you
Captain Hammer:
Thanks to me!
Newsman and Newswoman:
It's the perfect story
Newsman:
So they say
Newswoman:
A hero leading the way
Newsman and Newswoman:
Hammer's call to glory
Newswoman:
Let's all be our best
Newsman:
Next up, who's gay?
Groupie #3:
So they say he saved her life
Groupie #1:
They say she works with the homeless and doesn't eat meat
We have a
Groupies:
Problem with her
Groupie #2
This is his hair
Captain Hammer:
This is so nice
I just might sleep with the same girl twice
They say it's better the second time
They say you get to do the weird stuff
Groupies:
We do the weird stuff
Penny:
This is perfect for me
So they say, I guess he's pretty okay
After years of stormy sailing
Have I finally found the bay?
Both parts are sung at the same time
Dr. Horrible:
There's no happy ending
So they say, not for me anyway
Stop pretending
Take a chance to build a brand new day
Penny:
There's no happy ending
So they say
Should I stop pretending
Or is this a brand new day
Groupie #2:
This is his dry-cleaning bill
Groupies:
Four sweater-vests!
The MAYOR starts to speak at the podium.
Mayor:
And in just a few minutes, we'll unveil the statue of the man himself. Thank you. Thank you. Justice has a name, and the name that it has, besides Justice, is Captain Hammer. Ladies and gentlemen, your hero!
Captain Hammer:
Thank you. Thank you Mayor for those kind words.
Captain Hammer begins to read his speech off of cue cards, causing his words to be cut off
Captain Hammer:
I hate the homeless... -ness problem that plagues our city. Everyone should have the basic... You know what? I don't need tiny cue cards. When I fell deeply in love with my serious, long-term girlfriend Penny. Wave your hand Penny. There she is! Cute, huh? Sort of a quiet, nerdy thing. Not my usual, but nice. Anyway. She turned me on to this whole homeless thing, which is terrible, and I realized, I’m not the only hero in the room tonight. I'm not the only one who's fighting.
Captain Hammer:
It may not feel too classy
Begging just to eat
But you know who does that? Lassie
And she always gets a treat
So you wonder what your part is
Cause you're homeless and depressed
But home is where the heart is
So your real home's in your chest
Everyone's a hero in their own way
Everyone's got villains they must face
They're not as cool as mine
But folks you know it's fine to know your place
Everyone's a hero in their own way
In their own not that heroic way
So I thank my girlfriend, Penny
Yeah, we totally had sex
She showed me there's so many
Different muscles I can flex
There's the deltoids of compassion
There's the abs of being kind
It's not enough to bash in heads
You've got to bash in minds
Everyone's a hero in their own way
Everyone's got something they can do
Get up, go out, and fly
Especially that guy, he smells like poo
Everyone's a hero in their own way
You, and you, and mostly me, and you
I'm poverty's new sheriff
And I'm bashing in the slums
A hero doesn't care if you're a
Bunch of scary alcoholic bums! Everybody!
Both parts are sung at the same time
Captain Hammer:
Everyone's a hero in their own way
Everyone can blaze a hero's trail
Don't worry if it's hard
If you're not a friggin' tard you will prevail
Everyone's a hero in their own way
Crowd:
We're heroes too
We're just like you
We're heroes too
Captain Hero:
Everyone's a hero in their...
As Captain Hammer is saying this line, Dr. Horrible comes out from under the sheet that is supposed to be the statue, and he shoots Captain Hammer with the Freeze Ray
Dr. Horrible:
Mmhmhmhmhmhahahahaha.
DR. HORRIBLE jumps off of the platform
Dr. Horrible:
Look at these people
Amazing how sheep will show up for the slaughter
No one condemning you, lined up like lemmings
You're led to the water
Why can't they see what I see?
Why can't they hear the lies?
Maybe the fee's too pricy for them to realize
Your disguise is slipping
I think you're slipping
Now that your savior is still as the grave
You're beginning to fear me
Like cavemen fear thunder, I still have to wonder
Can you really hear me?
I bring you pain, the kind you can't suffer quietly
Fire up your brain, remind me inside you're rioting
Society is slipping
Everything's slipping away. So...
Grabs his Death Ray and fires it in the air
Dr. Horrible:
Go ahead! Run away! Say it was horrible
Spread the word! Tell a friend! Tell them the tale
Get a pic! Do a blog! Heroes are over with
Look at him! Not a word! Hammer meet nail!
Then I win, then I get everything I ever
All the cash! And the fame! And social change
Anarchy, that I run! It's Dr. Horrible's turn
You people all have to learn
This world is going to burn! Burn!
Turns to a reporter
Dr. Horrible:
Yeah, it's two R's. H-O-R-R, yeah.
Burn!
No sign of Penny
Good, I would give anything not to have her see
It's gonna be bloody, head up Billy buddy
There's no time for mercy
Here goes no mercy!
As "Slipping" finishes, the Freeze Ray audibly powers down.
Dr. Horrible:
That's not a good sound...
Captain Hammer punches Dr. Horrible, sending him and the Death Ray flying back. Captain Hammer walks over and picks up the Death Ray, puts his foot on Dr. Horrible, and finishes "Everyone's a Hero"
Captain Hammer:
Way!
A Death Ray. Looks like Dr. Horrible's moving up. Let's see if this one works any better than your others.
Dr. Horrible:
Don't...
Captain Hammer: (interrupting)
I don't have time for your warnings. You give my regards to Saint Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell.
Captain Hammer fires the Death Ray, but it backfires and sends him flying backwards. The Death Ray shatters.
Captain Hammer:
AAAGGGHHHH! I'm in pain! I think this is what pain feels like. Oh mama! Someone maternal! Get out of my way!
Captain Hammer exits Dr. Horrible gets up and looks around. He looks over to see that Penny has been struck by the shrapnel of the Death Ray. Dr. Horrible runs over to her.
Dr. Horrible:
Penny! Penny! Penny.
Penny:
Billy? Is that you?
Dr. Horrible:
Penny, hold on. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Penny:
Billy? Are you alright?
Dr. Horrible:
Hold on.
Penny:
It's okay. It's okay. Captain Hammer will save us.
Penny dies. Dr. Horrible tries to speak, but incoherent starts of words come out. He stands up and reporters come up to him with cameras
Crowd: (all struggling to get Dr. Horrible's attention)
Dr. Horrible! Why did you kill her? Dr. Horrible!
Dr. Horrible:
Here lies everything
The world I wanted at my feet
My victory's complete
So hail to the king
Arise and sing
So your world's benign
So you think justice has a voice
And we all have a choice
Well now your world is mine
And I am fine
Dr. Horrible puts on his new lab coat and starts to enter the conference room of the E.L.E.
Dr. Horrible:
Now the nightmare's real
Now Dr. Horrible is here
To make you quake with fear
To make the whole world kneel
And I won't feel
Billy is in his lab
Billy:
A thing.
