Once upon a time in the land of Hyrule
Everyone was okay and everything was cool
Until the Dark Prince Ganon appeared and said:
"The Triforce is mine and everything is dead!"
(Really)
"Know your role, Link
I'll leave you black and blue
And by the way-"
What?
"I kidnapped Zelda, too!"
"Oh, shit!"
I thought to myself
What am I going to do?
When I find your ass, I'm gonna straight end you
Is that a mask or your real face, you big fat jerk?
"Come on and find out, Link!"
He said with a smirk
I'll find my way to your maze
Fill up on hearts along the way
Today will be the last day of your life
"You're so gay!"
(Nope)
Listen up, Link, before your story begins
It's so complicated that you'll never win (You're joking)
And that's why I'll detail it, cause you ain't shit
I got more important things to do than worry about it
When your hearts run low, there's some fairies in the lake
That will reload your energy like Frosted Flakes (They're great!)
For now that's all you're getting no more clues for you
Enjoy, motherfucker, cause you'll never get through
That's what you think, I'm the Infinite Hero
And I'll keep on fighting 'til my health reaches zero
Like my white tights, my patience is thin
You won't amount to nothing, let your story begin
Oink!
(Oh, take this sword!)
(I'm old!)
The name's Link (Ha ha), and I'm braver than brave
I got a wooden sword from an old man in a cave
And when my hearts are maxed out, it shoots an energy blade?
I don't know how exactly that works, but that's okay with me
Eventually I'll find my way out of this maze
North, west, south, west, I'm on my way to the graves
When I master the Master Sword, I'm going to town
On Zelda's upside-down Triforce with one in the brown
You can't stop me from coming, I am the Hero of Time
You'd better run for your fucking life, I'm coming inside (Haha)
I'm here to destroy all of you one by one
Making you disappear, come here, you know you can't run
I got my magical shield, plenty of arrows to last me
My boomerang is at full range, I'm a walking catastrophe
Don't test me, you motherfuckers, you can't hide
You can try to run, but I got a map to where you reside
I am the legendary, fairyless, wearing the green tunic, killing everything motherfucker
I'm blowing holes in the walls
Going from dungeon to dungeon 'til every one of them falls
This is my destiny, and I'm coming for you
It's a secret to everybody how I do what I do
Eight mini-bosses dead, and I'm on my way to Ganon
With all the weapons I got, who the fuck needs an arm cannon?
I've died a million times and I'll die a million more, I'm at your fucking door
Link (Ha ha)
I see you've finally arrived
Watch me disappear and reappear before your eyes
Pleased to introduce you to my energy balls
They will destroy you like nothing you've ever-
No!
I don't think so, now watch as I swing
Aimlessly into the air not hitting anything (Ha ha)
I've got the Triforce, bitch, I ain't got time for hide-and-seek
Come get some
No!
I think not, I'm Ganondorf, bitch
Get your fairy booties out of here, cause you ain't shit
Swine time, my time to shine, Hyrule's mine
Mine, all mine
One, two, three times I hit you with my blade
Now it's time to shoot an arrow straight into your face (Nooooo!)
It's been a great time killing you swine, I gotta say
But after all is said and done, I'm not even getting laid
"Well excuse me, Princess!"
So I went through all that trouble, and she's being a bitch
I just saved her fucking life, and what the hell do I get? Nothing!
Fuck that shit, I should be getting some head
But Zelda's passed out early, laying up in her bed
I'm on the couch, man
That's totally lame
The upside down Triforce is a totally different game
That's cool, she'll come around eventually
Besides, she's in a coma in the next game, G
